She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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