He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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