just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
