So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
