And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
