I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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