Just fell off a train. Bad.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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