I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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