cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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