He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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