Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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