I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
