Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
