Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
