the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
