I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
