I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
