It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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