and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
