I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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