Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
