I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I would ride that face into the sunset
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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