do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
