Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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