She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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