God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
