last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
