I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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