I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
