when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
