Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
