don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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