"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
