Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
