I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
