Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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