My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
