i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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