how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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