We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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