how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
