It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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