Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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