I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
smell my finger.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
