Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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