You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
