we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
