I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
