Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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