Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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