I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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