I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
