Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
