So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
