my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
