I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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