Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
